I am not disabled anymore

Life is not roses and flowers for anyone all the time. It is most often an uphill battle for some on a daily basis. Even those who may seemingly have things easy, still struggle with family issues, death and loss, mental breakdowns. You name it, and there are thousands of examples of folks out there going through pretty much the same thing as each of us. Yet sometimes despite the knowledge we all have that things are never perfection, so many of us get down on ourselves for not being what we had hoped we would be. We are sometimes embarrassed about our lack of accomplishments, and might wish we had done something different with our lives. Maybe others even wish that about us. Despite what health struggles, confidence challenges, depression, bullying, abuse or addiction you might be struggling from, you all need to look in the mirror and realize the only person who is ever holding you back is YOU. So if you feel sorry for yourself, look within. If you feel your confidence needs a boost, dig deeper. If you think you’re above anyone mentally, physically, or spiritually get on somewhere and check yourself in the mirror. And most importantly people practice what you freaking preach already!!!

You see, no one’s story is harder or easier than yours or mine. We are all perceiving things our own way in our own right, living our own lives with our own unique accomplishments, struggles, success, and failures, and we need to stop placing judgement on each other AND on ourselves. This is the story of self awareness. It is a story of judgement, sadness, acceptance, and triumph, and it begins with the realization that I am not a disabled person anymore.

My name is Lynn. Some still call me Crystal, my first name. But Lynn is my preferences these days. There are so many details I will need to leave out of this, or they would potentially bring harm to others, so I will do my best to avoid directly targeting any of my abusers whether they have been in my professional or my personal life. People often tell me I speak in metaphors and innuendos, and I do for sure as an artist have my unique forms of communication. But the reality is, I don’t have to point out details about who said what or who hurt me or my feelings and all of that, because if you are a hater, then my love you already know about yourself. Chances are, you’re just too afraid to look in the mirror.

So this will not be about the times folks have judged me for “dating black men” CORRECTION: being married to and having children with black men (although they always want to say dating just do diminish me a little bit more for having beautiful biracial children and being proud of my love for all races). This will also not be about folks who have told me I was lazy, ghetto, or low class because I went onto disability at age 40. This will not be about the doctors, nurses, social workers, or counselors who have judged me for my children being on medicaid. This will not be about the family or friends who have placed me into a category and told me I am raising their taxes because I receive social security too early. But rather this will be about a strong individual. An artist. A creative spirit who will not remain silent but who will speak up. This is about a person with a hidden disability who decided one day, that was a load of garbage.

You see, dis abled comes in many forms. But I decided that I am not dis abled, but rather able to DIS all the haters who come my way. And I don’t even have to do it directly, because I’m savvy like that. But you might hear it if you’re one of those among the hate who are still so obsessed that they will follw posts, listen to music, and all the while wish that they could self reflect a little better, and maybe they could also be happy with themselves the way I am happy with myself. Because despite folks who try to confuse with their words, then transform reality by changing them and trying to make you for get, I remember. And so do you. Despite people who hide behind internet attacks, and them remove the tags once they are pointed out you cannot erase your bullying. You know what you are, and you don’t affect me. You only affect yourself and your own kharma my darlings.

Confusion. It is so easy to confuse someone who might be a little slower than you mentally or physically, who might be struggling with self identity, or who might appear to be different than you. Who benefits from confusion? No one. Yet others who see a strong person who might struggle with movement or activity as a weaker person. You might see someone with low confidence as beneath you. You are wrong haters. You are so wrong. Because they are struggling and hurting and pushing through the pain, while you are still likely making excuses for why you can’t walk the dog today or do the dishes or listen to someone else for once. Your energy is out because you are bored with your life, not because you have actually done anything but feel sorry for yourself.

Manipulation. Its easy to manipulate someone who already struggles with low confidence. It’s so funny that folks who attack others online, bully people in school or at home, or twist reality so everyone points fingers at each other are actually the weaker individuals. They think SO highly of themselves. Yet they want others to feel sorry for them and do anything and everything they can to make that happen. They place themselves into a disenfranchised population just so they can belong somewhere, anywhere but their own reality. If they keep making themselves the victim they won’t ever change their abuse to others in the community, at work, or at home. To me it seems ironic that they aren’t able to look inward and even realize that they actually don’t hate you, but they hate themselves. Sad and tragic really, and makes it pretty easy to feel sorry for them. Especially for the abled person who is in each of us. And just as I am able to rise above the symptoms of my progressive genetic condition, every manipulator, confuser, and gaslighting individual out there is also ABLE to rise above themselves and break the cycle of their own self sabotage.

Being disabled and accepting that you’re going to need medicare in order to survive the condition you have is a hardship many will never have to endure while still raising children. Many will be denied disability over and over, and will be told despite their diagnosis they are not disabled. Many of those people won’t be able to afford their treatments, checkups, or extreme hospital trips. Being disabled is disabling, and being labeled as such even worse. Trying to explain to your children that they won’t have a college fund because mommy doesn’t work enough is not only heartbreaking, but would be downright tragic to some. And as someone who has always believed it is my responsibility to pick myself up by my own bootstraps, I certainly felt that it was. But I now realized that being disabled gave me the health coverage I needed to get my PT (that I never qualified for prior ). It brought me to doctors who helped me figure out my pain and reasons I had all of these episodes, and to a diagnosis of a condition I had never heard of, and it allows me to get checkups I need to prevent some of the serious things that can occur with vEDS that can cause early loss of life. It’s easy to look at that and feel sad when you look into your mirror. But why not say, not today?!

Many of us have never had a trust fund. Many of us had to take out dozens of thousands in loans just so we could go to college. Many of us have worked and tried to push through despite the daily pain. As a 40 year old relearning how to walk I really did feel sad for myself. But mostly there was guilt. I was not able to keep the nonprofit up and running. I tried to work in another industry but exhausted myself physically, and my kids’ future did not look very promising as I couldn’t keep up alone. They were on medicaid, and almost every doctor we went to ignored us, because we weren’t of the preferred class. But that would cause me to push harder to find a doctor who cared, despite how we got our insurance. I decided I was going to change my boys’ reality If I was no longer disabled, they could eventually have insurance that I AGAIN paid for. They could go back to going on vacations every year, and participating in expensive activities, and getting the clothes and shoes that everyone else wore.

So instead of feeling sorry for myself for walking the wrong way, being nauseated and throwing up all the time, suffering from heart palpitations, fainting spells, high blood pressure, joint subluxation, ligament tears, swelling, hernias, thyroid malfunctions, osteoarthritis, spine movement, degenerative disk issues, and the list goes on, I decided NO. You are NOT disabled anymore. So, I went to PT. I practiced my exercises. And I allowed myself to get strong enough to push through the constant pain, and get back to starting my businesses again. I may not be where I want to be yet. And I might not have a very long life expectancy. And my symptoms are never going to go away. But I decided that why not push myself even more, because what have I accomplished if I have left my children with nothing but my student loan debt and a memory of a mom who couldn’t ever do much? Do I still have to wait long hours in emergency rooms to be sure I don’t have aortic tears or enlarged valves or any of the other scary things that can happen when you have vEDS? Yes I do. And sometimes I have to delay working for a little bit. But I don’t cancel. Not anymore. And I will grow my businesses one day at a time despite the fact that I will never actually feel better. Am I still aware of my condition, and my pain? Yep. But will that stop me from pushing through anymore? NO. Even though I know that going back to work will cause me to lose the small disability stipend I have been receiving from what I paid into the system, it is worth needing to work even harder if my children have the chance at changing their story. Even if I lose my medical coverage by going back to entrepreneurship from the bootstraps level, I will STILL push forward knowing that despite all the judgment, backlash, and hate, I kept going.

Does this mean I will remain depressed? Does it mean I will start to listen to the haters once again? Does it mean I can’t play my favorite instruments or write my lyrics or look in the mirror and LOVE myself? Hell no! And no matter what your struggle is, no matter who has told you that you are wrong, no matter who or what has made you feel like you aren’t special, please remember they are the problem and you are amazing. As soon as I realized that, I was no longer feeling sorry for myself, and I began to play. I continue to practice through the pain. I am beginning to work, through the episodes without canceling. I am not financially where I need to be yet, but I will keep writing. I will keep singing. I will keep playing and will soon start performing again. I’m going to live it up. Maybe I cant drink or party or hang with folks on Mardis Gras anymore like we did in our 20’s. But I can and will reach my creative and economic goals, and my children will have something to remember me by instead of that person I so recently used to be. Because today I look in the mirror at myself, and I say, “I am not disabled anymore”. What do you think you would say if you looked into your mirror?